Recovering from an Affair

If you have ever experienced a relationship where someone has broken your trust you know the emotions that overtake you. Most people describe not feeling like themselves at all, instead swinging from self-doubt to anger at the other person to depression. Many people experience a change in their behaviors, finding themselves doing and thinking things that they never did or thought before.

While the research on affairs is still in its infancy, more and more practitioners and researchers are noting the similarities between behavior after a breach of trust and behavior after a trauma. As with a trauma, trigger events that remind a partner of a breach of trust (a memory, a name, a secretive behavior, a date on the calendar) can be followed by a flood of emotion that results in over-the-top fighting. Couples become exhausted, and concerned that this pattern will never change.

This makes couple counseling after an affair one of the most challenging types of counseling. Couples need help to rebuild trust, change problems that existed before the affair, and also to withstand the emotional roller coaster that often comes despite their best intentions. This type of rebuilding takes time and a high level of support for both partners.

Can relationships rebuild after a breach of trust? Yes they can. Relationships can actually become stronger and more purposeful as they rebuild. But both partners need a high level of commitment to make this work–and a willingness to be honest (even when it hurts) as they go forward. They also need to be ready to spend a challenging and difficult year rebuilding. Interested in learning more? Here are some books on relationships, including some recommended books on affairs.