Talking about Couple Issues
“I didn’t tell him how much it bothered me…he’d be annoyed and we’d probably end up fighting about it anyway.”
Sound familiar? You’ve probably heard something like this before, or even said it yourself on occasion about couple issues you have encountered. Periodically blowing off steam to someone else about your partner’s annoying habits can help, especially if the person you’re venting to can relate. But venting (or ignoring the problem altogether) shouldn’t replace talking with your partner.*
When we ignore couple issues we get resentful…
Have you been ignoring small couple issues? Don’t be surprised to wake up one day feeling resentful of your partner. That resentment creates new issues. It can make you hyper-sensitive to habits you once found endearing, and lead you to over-react to even the smallest problems. In short, it can erode the friendship between you and your partner and lead you to feel less like friends and more like enemies.
Fight resentment (not each other) and deal with relationship concerns…
How do you take resentment out of your relationship, or keep it from developing in the first place? First and foremost, you must stop the resentment train and get off (hopefully with your partner in tow!). In some cases, this means going to couples counseling or marriage counseling so that a professional can guide you through the process of working issues out gently. Whether alone or with a counselor, you might consider:
- Discussing the best (and worst) times to talk: Few couples have a productive argument at 11 pm or after a few drinks. Sometimes knowing when to talk about couple issues makes it possible to find a good solution.
- Bringing up issues gently: Remember that the way you say something can be as important as what you say. Your tone of voice, facial expression, and overall body language can go a long way towards making sure your message is received well.
- Bringing up issues early: A quick request when something goes wrong is often easier than a drawn out and angry conversation days or weeks later.
- Choosing your words carefully: Airing your grievances with “You never…” or “You always…” can lead to defensiveness and even confusion around what the problem is.
- Knowing when to stop: In the midst of a particularly heated argument, your heartbeat can increase and your ability to think rationally can decrease. Continued discussion probably won’t help solve the couple issue, and could make things worse.
- Making up later: You probably know a few ways to help your partner feel better. Be sure your own anger and pride don’t get in the way of using all the tools in your tool box to reconnect.
So remember…
While simply complaining about your partner to others may feel good in the moment, putting in the time and energy required to have meaningful discussions with your partner is probably one of the best investments you can make in your marriage or your relationship. It can bring you and your partner closer together, reinforce your ability to face challenges as a team, and neutralize the toxic effects of resentment.
Additional information
If you’re interested in books, retreats, and other ways to learn more about how to improve your relationship, a good resource is The Gottman Institute (http://www.gottman.com/couples/). You may also find the article “Master’s of Love” to be a helpful read (http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/). If you live in Minnesota and would like to explore marriage counseling or couple counseling (with or without your partner), you can contact us via www.rekindlethespark.com or 952-929-9929.
*Remember not to vent to people who don’t like your partner, or who side with you against your partner. That won’t help, and can actually make you more upset and less able to change your situation.