What Kind of Help Do You Really Need?
Who can’t complain of an excess of demands and a shortage of time and patience? It’s harder when you feel that you can’t get the help you need from your partner. How do you ask for help? And just what do you really need?
This is a topic that’s come up in some sessions recently and that goes something like this: A bewildered husband complains he does “everything she asks me to do,” and “she still isn’t satisfied.” His wife, who is grateful for his help, is nonetheless frustrated as she tells him, “You put more work on my plate when I have to tell you what needs to be done.” She wants him to know what help she needs without having to tell him. She wants him to have the awareness that she has. It means awareness that the kids need dental appointments or need help with homework. It means thinking about dinner and picking up the groceries on the way home. And it means finding a sitter because he wants more time with her. She says, “that’s what I mean when I tell you I need more help.”
So, I wonder about the word “help.” I think “help” trips partners because it sounds like tasks, whether shopping, picking up kids from hockey, or making dinner. That’s help, right? If there’s a list of chores or errands to do, and you do them, it’s hard to argue that you’re anything but helpful. I see why the husband was bewildered, but I also saw the lightbulb go on when she explained it to him.
You see, it’s the making of the list, and what goes into that list; the decisions, the thinking, the conceptualizing, that is so overwhelming and exhausting. This seems congruent with a concept called “emotional labor” that got my attention after an article was published and shared numerous times on social media. And I think it speaks to the frustration that the wife was expressing. It isn’t necessarily “help” that is being asked for, it is relief from emotional labor. Relief gives a sense that your partner is on your side, right there with you, and not an outsider.
If you want your partner to help with tasks you want done, ask for help. If you need relief from emotional labor, talk about what that means to you and what it looks like for the two of you.
Holly Birkeland is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Rekindle Counseling in Edina, MN. She works with couples to help them rekindle security and joy in their relationship. Learn more about her work with couples, or contact her directly via email or by phone at 952-806-0016.