Couple Quiz @ Rekindle Counseling

If my partner listened and responded to my concerns most of our problems would be resolved.

True
False

You said "True": Your partner probably does need to listen and respond to your concerns. But chances are your partner is making the same complaint about you. If both of you feel it is mostly the other person’s fault, you will get stuck. Are you ready to consider, really consider, what you could do on your own to make things better?

You said "False:" You may already know what research shows: most couple problems aren’t about who is right and who is wrong. In fact we have such different preferences, different things that seem right to us, and different ways of seeing things that we can get stuck working out how to live life together. If you can remember this when you are in counseling you will be able to use the help you get to be even more effective in changing your relationship for the better.

When I get angry I say things or do things that I regret later.

True
False

You said "True:" Unfortunately, mean words or actions predict that our relationship will end or be miserable. We need to find ways to avoid saying or doing the mean things that everyone sometimes thinks or feels. When you are really upset, what can you do to calm yourself down before you speak? Most of us need at least 20 minutes to reset our bodies and minds if we’ve gotten really upset.

You said "False:" Good for you. Those mean words and actions are like toxic waste that builds up in the ground. Keep up the good work, but also make sure that you aren’t signaling meanness in your tone of voice or your body language. Meanness, whether it is through words or looks, leads to misery.

My partner knows what I like about him/her and why.

True
False

You said "True:" Wonderful. Even when we are having relationship problems it is important to give each other positive feedback every day. We all need to feel liked and special. Greeting people at the door, sounding happy to hear from someone, and appreciating nice qualities make a difference. If we feel liked we are more likely to listen to what our partner wants or needs.

You said "False": Often we stop giving each other compliments and positive feedback when we are upset. We get discouraged and lose the niceness and caring that we normally share. Unfortunately this makes it even less likely that our partner will listen to our concerns. Think about it. When someone does not like you or is angry with you, do you want to help them out or even be with them? Remember that we can care for people and treat them nicely and still ask them to listen to us and respond to our needs.

We have had really bad fights after we’ve had a fun night out.

True
False

You said "True": Often when this is happening one or both people have had something to drink. Their inhibitions are down, and their other emotions (like jealousy, loneliness, anger, or disappointment) are right at the surface. When you mix this with tiredness you have a recipe for disaster. One way to test whether alcohol is increasing your fighting is to have fun without it for a few months. Does that sound too hard? You’ll have to ask yourself if you are ready to do what it takes to make things better.

You said "False": You are able to have a fun night out without damaging your relationship. That’s great—every couple needs to be able to have fun together.

I drink two or more drinks a night or smoke weed regularly.

True
False

You Answered "True": If your partner is telling you that you seem checked out, uninterested, or lazy, part of the problem might be your alcohol or weed use. Sometimes people get in a rut and can only relax by using alcohol or weed. You may need other stress-relieving strategies.

You Answered "False": It is an easy habit to start—especially if you are anxious or over-stressed. Good for you for finding other ways to relax.

I often get less than 8 hours of sleep a night.

True
False

You Answered "True": Many experts suggest about eight hours of sleep a night. When we get less, we are more likely to be irritable, unfocused, or extra-emotional. If you’d like to learn more about sleep visit the Harvard Medical School website on sleep.

You Answered "False": Adequate sleep is generally an asset to a relationship. Most of us deal with things better when we are well rested. Just make sure that sleep doesn’t take over—too much sleep may indicate depression.

We often fight late at night.

True
False

You Answered "True": Late night fights seldom work. Why? When we are tired we are more likely to be flooded with really strong emotions. Research suggests that when we get really angry or upset our fights go nowhere.

You Answered "False": Good for you for not fighting late at night. Most late night fights don’t ever get solved. Just make sure that you are able to discuss concerns and work them out at times when you aren’t overtired. Responding to your partner’s concerns during the day will keep your nights more peaceful.

We spend more than five hours a week alone together (with just each other—no kids, no friends) doing something that gets us talking about each other and interacting.

True
False

You Answered "True": You are doing something that every relationship needs. Keep up the good work! When we spend time together doing positive things we are more likely to feel connected and attached—a state that actually helps us cope better and deal with stress more effectively.

You Answered "False": It is easy to let time together slip—or to let it take a back seat to children, friends, work, and chores. Few relationships can survive without time to interact and enjoy each other. Some research suggests that a minimum for a healthy relationship may be five hours a week of focused time together.

I make sure that I compliment and thank my partner every day for things that I appreciate.

True
False

You Answered "True": Appreciation is important for a good relationship. Studies suggest that appreciation insulates us from the normal stresses of living together. Of course we have to really mean what we say—we have to really be appreciative, not just act appreciative.

You Answered "False": Appreciation is important for a good relationship. If you treat strangers more politely and appreciatively than you treat your partner it will make negotiation, fun, and intimacy more challenging. Try telling your partner some of the positive things you think about them during the day even if those things are small.

I think that this relationship is too hard—maybe I just chose the wrong person.

True
False

You Answered "True": Sometimes it seems like we must have just chosen the wrong person; it seems like it would be easier with someone else. It is true that early on in a relationship we tend to argue less and feel more connected. However all relationships hit bumps. Sometimes the ways we handle those bumps make them worse. If you are ready to make a change, it will help you to assume that there are reasons that you chose your partner, and that those reasons are still there underneath the problems.

You Answered "False": Perseverance is important in all relationships. We work the hardest for things that matter to us the most. You realize that relationships have work in them too—and that sometimes you need help to be as effective as you can be.

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