Leaning Into Discomfort
“I’m tired of feeling sad all the time.” “I just want to be happy.” “My life would be so much better if I just didn’t feel this way.”
People often come to therapy because they have painful feelings—and they are hoping that therapy will help those feelings go away. When we are experiencing depression, grief, fear, anger, or another troubling emotion, it might seem as if those feelings serve no purpose. In fact it might seem as if we would be better off without any negative emotions at all.
Unfortunately, we are unable to selectively numb feelings. All feelings—both the ones we may label “good” and those we think of as more negative—are all part of our human experience. If we numb one feeling, we numb them all. And conversely if we want to feel one feeling, we are opening ourselves to feeling them all as well.
What, then, are we to do with the painful emotions that all of us will experience at one time or another? Some psychological scholars refer to our painful emotions as dark emotions because we often keep them hidden, unseen, and in the dark, often afraid of appearing weak if we give them too much space in our lives. But, Pema Chrӧdrӧn, an American Buddhist nun and author of “Taking the Leap”, says that, by staying with our dark emotions, we may be able to learn something new about ourselves and begin to create wisdom from something painful. She refers to accepting a dark emotion and staying with it “leaning in”.
For most of us, this requires developing a new practice. This practice is important, as learning to lean into discomfort can be difficult. Chӧdrӧn recommends pausing, noticing your breath, and sitting for a while with the feeling. Get curious about it. How does your body feel? What thoughts come with the feeling? Feel the energy of that emotion and rather than rejecting it and pushing it away, try compassion and empathy towards it. At first, you may find that you have brief moments where you can remain with the dark emotion. With practice, you may develop your ability to stay with it longer, learning more and more along the way. This is where the healing journey begins.
What is on the other side once you have learned how to lean into sadness, grief, anger, or despair? A kindness toward ourselves, an acceptance of all emotions we experience, and the experience of living fully.