Learning Empathy
A common complaint among couples who come for help is that their partner is not very empathetic. “Why can’t he see when I’m upset?” “I’m completely overwhelmed by managing our bills, and she doesn’t care.” Sometimes it seems like we are wearing our emotions on our sleeves, but those emotions aren’t obvious to our partners. We feel like we are screaming, “help me!” and the response we get is as if nothing was wrong.
Why is it that a sometimes kind and caring person can seem so indifferent?
It may be that our partner has a fundamental empathy lack, but three other possibilities are more likely:
- Our partner is stressed out by our stress, and reacts by moving away or getting angry.
- Our partner is inside his or her own head and not taking in signals from the outside world.
- Our partner didn’t get enough training in what to do when other people are upset.
What can we do if we are having problems with empathy–and caring for each other when we are stressed?
Remember the popular book from the nineties, “All I Ever Needed to Know I learned in Kindergarten?” Well, when it comes to empathy, perhaps all we need to know comes from babies.
Susan Pinker, in an article for the Wall Street Journal, reflects on how babies are wired to learn about the world, themselves, and others, by mirroring and feeling the movements and facial expressions of others. That face-to-face contact becomes the training ground for not only knowing what others are signaling, but also learning about our own bodies and how they signal to others.
Practice is the basis of empathy.
It takes years of repetition as a child for us to get the message down firmly, and develop confidence not only in ourselves, but in our ability to relate with the world. But the learning is never over–we can use the same idea to help us get closer to the people we love.
So what helps couples who are facing an issue with tuning in with each other’s emotions?
Well, it may be useful to get back to basics. Try these simple exercises:
- Sit down next to your partner and hold his or her hand. Sit quietly until you notice both your and their pulse rate. Notice both of your breathing rates. Stay connected until your breathing and pulse are in close rhythm.
- Sit facing your partner. Watch her or his body language and facial expression. Do what they are doing with their body and face (nicely, not mockingly!). Notice how it feels inside your body to use the same body language. Does it feel sad? Happy? Energetic? Down? Angry? Let go of trying to fix anything, and just try to get the feeling.
- Invite your partner to mirror your body language. Notice what they are showing you back–that is what they are reading on you. Are they adopting body language that shows all of how you feel? Maybe you are showing one part (for instance, anger, and not showing another, for instance, sad).
Couples can learn to increase their couple empathy, but it takes the same kind of practice that babies use to get with attuned their parents. (The good news is that practice is often pleasant, just like it is to make faces and practice empathy with babies!)