Accepting and Managing Perpetual Problems
- At January 23, 2016
- By Lisa Kleingarn
- In Uncategorized
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Are you worried that you and your partner never seem to resolve your conflicts?
Do you seem to argue about the same things most of the time?
Guess what? According to research by The Gottman Institute, 69% of couples experience conflict about an unresolvable “perpetual” problem! In fact, conflict is a given in marriage and partnered relationships. Conflicts in and of themsevles aren’t problematic. Anger isn’t even a problem (provided it isn’t expressed destructively). Rather, problems stem from way in which couples conflict with each other over perpetual problems.
What seems to be important is the couple’s ability to establish a dialogue with the perpetual problem, understanding that it likely will not be resolved. This dialogue generally includes acceptance of the problem, each partner’s acceptance of the other, and communication of amusement, humor and affection for one another even as they wrestle with the problem.
For example, Samantha describes her husband James as a loner who rarely likes to engage socially with friends or family. With prodding from his wife, he reluctantly goes. Samantha noted that he always says, “Alright, I’ll go,” while James added that he always says, “Okay, anything you say, dear.” They both note that they have had this same interaction of their fifteen years of marriage. James, laughs, noting “We don’t even disagree well, do we?”
Couples experiencing “gridlocked” perpetual problems have become firmly rooted in their own positions, and have shut themselves off to their partner’s perspective and influence (no give and take). One or both partners feels hurt and blames the other. They start to believe that the only way forward is for their partner to change.
The good news is that by changing expectations can help. Instead of seeking conflict resolution (or hoping never to face the perpetual problem again) successful couples develop some acceptance of the problem. This helps them manage the issue more effectively, and stay in communication with the person they love.