Is anxiety affecting your relationship?

Everyone faces anxiety at times–that nagging feeling that something awful is about to happen.  Anxiety is our body’s way of alerting our conscious mind to a potential threat in our path.  Our brain initiates a chemical response to things we are perceiving:  sight, smell, taste, a familiar situation, or an imagined chain of events.  We feel that chemical response in our stomach as the “jitters,” in our chest and neck as a raised heartbeat or a flush, or even in our hands and feet as a cold chill.  Our body says, “danger!”  We alert and look around us to figure out what has alarmed us.

Anxiety is a hardwired and useful emotion–up to a certain point.

We need to be able to recognize things that might harm us so that we can respond.  Some studies show that anticipating problems, and being ready to respond to them, can prepare us for difficult news or coping with stress.  At times anxiety is a useful coping mechanism.

Unfortunately, for some of us, anxiety has become a pattern, or a habit.  We may have a body that is wired more to the active and jittery side.  Perhaps we have grown up in an environment that was too chaotic, and we learned to watch and react quickly.  We may have “over learned” responding to sounds and sights around us.  This can wear us out, and wear out our partners as well.

How do you tell the difference between normal anxiety and problematic anxiety?

Spotting problematic anxiety is like spotting an issue with alcohol, over-exercise, or anger.  Perhaps we feel justified in our behavior, but we are getting feedback from other people that there is a problem. Maybe we find it hard to imagine not doing what we are doing to cope.  Or we might find that anxiety is taking center stage too often and interrupting closeness with others, and life in general.

We might also find signs in our partner.  When one partner is often anxious, the other partner does things that can make that anxiety worse. Does your partner try to talk you out of your worries?  Does he or she get frustrated with your anxiety?  Partners also cope by not sharing their own thoughts and worries, thinking that will help their anxious partner.  In fact all of these things tend to make anxiety higher in a relationship, and also make both partners feel more alone.

What helps couples and people who are anxious?

Many people change their anxious habits in individual counseling.  I’ve worked with people who have reduced their anxiety load using a variety of strategies (e.g. relaxation, visualization, body work, cognitive methods, insight, EMDR).  I also recommend the work of Carolyn Daitch, and her book for individuals experiencing anxiety in relationships.

Interestingly couples can also learn to be more adept at handling each other well to lower anxiety as a couple. Couples accomplish this through getting better at tracking and helping each other–not just the non-anxious partner helping the anxious partner, but the reverse as well.  Good relationships are balanced relationships where both partners help each other stay calm and connected.

Is your relationship affected by habitual anxious feelings?  Is it time to make a change?

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Jennifer Stoos works with individuals, couples, and families.