Pre-Holiday Relationship Check
Time for a pre-holiday relationship check?
As we get closer to the holiday season, schedules start to fill up with errands to run, events to attend, and people to see. If we are not careful, we can say yes to a lot of good things and end up with little energy for the best things – the relationships with the people we love the most.
Start your season right with these simple tactics:
Read More»What Kind of Help Do You Really Need?
Who can’t complain of an excess of demands and a shortage of time and patience? It’s harder when you feel that you can’t get the help you need from your partner. How do you ask for help? And just what do you really need?
Read More»Why Consider Premarital Counseling with a Therapist?
Congratulations! You’re excited, focused on your wedding preparations, a little nervous perhaps, and ready to begin your life together. So why consider seeing a couples therapist at this stage? While it may be appealing to focus on the strengths of your relationship as you prepare to get married, looking honestly at your particular challenges now will really serve your relationship well.
Read More»Navigating Explosive Emotion and Rage After Infidelity
Navigating Explosive Emotion and Rage After Infidelity
If there has been infidelity in your relationship, it’s highly likely that the betrayed person has or will at some point become extremely emotional and/or enraged. This often happens when this person does not feel heard, understood, or validated, or that you do not understand the profound impact of the infidelity or the depth of the pain you have caused. Sometimes it comes as a result of wanting you to experience a fraction of the pain he or she is experiencing. If you respond with defensiveness or with moving away, the anger or emotion may escalate.
Read More»Got an Autocorrect Problem?
Has your relationship got an autocorrect problem?
A few days ago I engaged in a conversation that I frequently have with couples. They were discussing a recent argument, and one of them said with frustration: “I told her I was sorry, but she can never accept that.” The partner in question replied, “You were just trying to end the argument.”
Years ago I would have gone on a fact-finding mission with this couple. I would have tried to figure out who was right: was he just trying to get out of it, or was she resistant to making up? Nowadays I see something else going on—and it reminds me of the autocorrect on my phone.
Read More»Surviving Midlife Crisis as a Couple: Part 2
How to Survive Midlife Crisis as a Couple Part 2: Your Partner’s Midlife Crisis
Weathering your partner’s midlife crisis while keeping your sense of humor and hope is extremely challenging. The person you have known and love may be making changes, either subtle or radical. He or she may feel like a stranger some or most of the time. He or she may be rewriting history, even your history, and questioning you and the relationship. If you want to survive midlife crisis as a couple, you’ll have to be patient.
Read More»Surviving Midlife Crisis as a Couple: Part 1
If you are facing a midlife crisis, you may hope it will just go away, or you may believe that dismissing it or ignoring it will help. Unfortunately the feelings people experience in Midlife crisis are strong and often persistent, and it’s important to pay attention to those feelings without acting suddenly on them. Many couples make it through significant midlife issues. You can help your relationship by taking time to unpack the feelings you are having. Common feelings include:
Wanting change, often desperately. You may want to leave your partner and family, to start a new life, to find excitement. The pull to change things can be overwhelming at times.
Wanting to be with someone different—either specifically or as a vague idea that life would be easier or more fun with someone else.
Wanting to do things you never got to do as a young person, particularly if you’ve always been faithful and responsible. You may feel destructive, reckless, like you want to burn down your life—even intentionally sometimes. You may feel empty, resentful, angry, and rebellious.
Having trouble seeing why you chose this person, and why you should stay. You may feel that nothing you have is good enough or satisfying and that you want to cast off your life like an old coat you can’t remember why you chose. You likely want to live only for yourself and for the day. And you might occasionally have a sense of being confused and lost.
Most people facing a midlife crisis think there must be good reason for feeling all of these things, and they pay attention to the feelings without evaluating the bigger picture. Midlife crisis usually drives us into focusing on questioning our exterior life. In the bigger picture it can be an invitation to look intentionally at ourselves and reflect on what we want for the second half of our lives.
If you think you might be going through a midlife crisis:
- Don’t make any major changes.
- Have the courage to talk honestly and gently with your partner about what you’re experiencing.
- Remember that the intensity of your feelings will pass.
- Consider speaking with a counselor or therapist who understands midlife crisis and can help you understand what a midlife crisis is and means, sort out what is really driving the urges you’re feeling, and walk through it with you.
Laura Lindekugel M.S., M.S. is a partner in Rekindle Counseling.
Surviving Midlife Crisis as a Couple Part 3: Midlife Crisis Together
How to Survive Midlife Crisis as a Couple Part 3: Surviving Midlife Crisis Together
Being in the midst of a midlife crisis can feel like being trapped in a nightmare for both partners. And it can seem like it will never end. It will. Keep checking in with each other. It is possible to survive midlife crisis together. The truth is that there are many gifts on the other side of a midlife crisis. Partners who can weather the storm of a midlife crisis with grace and dignity, by paying attention, by honoring the gripping desire for external change one partner is wrestling with, and who can focus on themselves and on the big picture, can come through the other side with a more fulfilling shared life than they had before the crisis. Relationships can be even more connected and exciting after a midlife crisis than might have been possible beforehand. Hang in there. This isn’t easy, but it’s possible. A crisis can be a catalyst for intentionality and meaning. It can be a break-through, a time to wake up and create a life that is in alignment with what you both truly want. In the midst of the crisis, external change seems like the answer; the siren song of the un-lived life can be powerfully gripping. But the deeper need over time is for internal reflection and understanding. On the hardest days remember it’s possible to survive a midlife crisis as a couple, to support each other through it, and to come though it stronger and more fulfilled than ever.
If you or your partner may be in the midst of midlife crisis:
- Be compassionate towards one another.
- Remember that this is a painful, challenging, and confusing time for both of you.
- Focus on yourself and try to use this time for growth and for pursuing individual interests.
- Honor the process, even when you want to be dismissive.
- Respect your partner, even if he or she seems or sounds like a stranger most days.
- Be gentle to yourself and to each other. Kindness goes a long way.
- Stay connected as much as you can.
- Have some fun together. Life is hard right now. Take a break and do something you enjoy together. Or find something new to do together.
- Consider seeing a therapist or counselor who truly understands midlife crisis and can help the two of you navigate this difficult time together.
Learning Empathy
A common complaint among couples who come for help is that their partner is not very empathetic. “Why can’t he see when I’m upset?” “I’m completely overwhelmed by managing our bills, and she doesn’t care.” Sometimes it seems like we are wearing our emotions on our sleeves, but those emotions aren’t obvious to our partners. We feel like we are screaming, “help me!” and the response we get is as if nothing was wrong.
Read More»Enjoying the Empty Nest Years
If you’ve just sent your last child off to college this fall, you and your partner might be wondering what’s ahead for your marriage. Enjoying the empty nest years is not only possible, but also crucial since the years ahead may be the biggest chunk of your marriage!