Is anxiety affecting your relationship?
Everyone faces anxiety at times–that nagging feeling that something awful is about to happen. Anxiety is our body’s way of alerting our conscious mind to a potential threat in our path. Our brain initiates a chemical response to things we are perceiving: sight, smell, taste, a familiar situation, or an imagined chain of events. We feel that chemical response in our stomach as the “jitters,” in our chest and neck as a raised heartbeat or a flush, or even in our hands and feet as a cold chill. Our body says, “danger!” We alert and look around us to figure out what has alarmed us.
Read More»Pre-Holiday Relationship Check
Time for a pre-holiday relationship check?
As we get closer to the holiday season, schedules start to fill up with errands to run, events to attend, and people to see. If we are not careful, we can say yes to a lot of good things and end up with little energy for the best things – the relationships with the people we love the most.
Start your season right with these simple tactics:
Read More»Anxiety Tips and Tools
Anxiety affects people in multiple ways. It can cause migraines or muscle tension or stomach problems. It can cause insomnia as you toss and turn with worrisome thoughts that won’t stop. During the day, anxiety can keep you from enjoying the present moment. Anxiety that is more severe can get in the way of your day to day functioning so that you can’t take care of your home or work responsibilities.
Read More»What Kind of Help Do You Really Need?
Who can’t complain of an excess of demands and a shortage of time and patience? It’s harder when you feel that you can’t get the help you need from your partner. How do you ask for help? And just what do you really need?
Read More»Got an Autocorrect Problem?
Has your relationship got an autocorrect problem?
A few days ago I engaged in a conversation that I frequently have with couples. They were discussing a recent argument, and one of them said with frustration: “I told her I was sorry, but she can never accept that.” The partner in question replied, “You were just trying to end the argument.”
Years ago I would have gone on a fact-finding mission with this couple. I would have tried to figure out who was right: was he just trying to get out of it, or was she resistant to making up? Nowadays I see something else going on—and it reminds me of the autocorrect on my phone.
Read More»Stepfamilies: Dispelling some common myths
- At January 23, 2016
- By Lisa Kleingarn
- In Uncategorized
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Did you know that 50% of new marriages include at least one partner who has been married before?
And that 65% of remarriages include children from a prior marriage or relationship?
Are you part of such a couple (stepcouple), wondering why the wonderful family and married life you eagerly anticipated is not materializing? Most early stepfamilies do not resemble The Brady Bunch!
It may be helpful for you to know that the development of stepcouple and stepfamily relationships is very different from that of first time marriages. Many of these differences stem from the presence of (step)children. If these differences, and the unique challenges they pose, are not understood and addressed, it could spell trouble for the couple.
Read More»Accepting and Managing Perpetual Problems
- At January 23, 2016
- By Lisa Kleingarn
- In Uncategorized
- 0
Are you worried that you and your partner never seem to resolve your conflicts?
Do you seem to argue about the same things most of the time?
Guess what? According to research by The Gottman Institute, 69% of couples experience conflict about an unresolvable “perpetual” problem! In fact, conflict is a given in marriage and partnered relationships. Conflicts in and of themsevles aren’t problematic. Anger isn’t even a problem (provided it isn’t expressed destructively). Rather, problems stem from way in which couples conflict with each other over perpetual problems.
Read More»Surviving Midlife Crisis as a Couple: Part 1
If you are facing a midlife crisis, you may hope it will just go away, or you may believe that dismissing it or ignoring it will help. Unfortunately the feelings people experience in Midlife crisis are strong and often persistent, and it’s important to pay attention to those feelings without acting suddenly on them. Many couples make it through significant midlife issues. You can help your relationship by taking time to unpack the feelings you are having. Common feelings include:
Wanting change, often desperately. You may want to leave your partner and family, to start a new life, to find excitement. The pull to change things can be overwhelming at times.
Wanting to be with someone different—either specifically or as a vague idea that life would be easier or more fun with someone else.
Wanting to do things you never got to do as a young person, particularly if you’ve always been faithful and responsible. You may feel destructive, reckless, like you want to burn down your life—even intentionally sometimes. You may feel empty, resentful, angry, and rebellious.
Having trouble seeing why you chose this person, and why you should stay. You may feel that nothing you have is good enough or satisfying and that you want to cast off your life like an old coat you can’t remember why you chose. You likely want to live only for yourself and for the day. And you might occasionally have a sense of being confused and lost.
Most people facing a midlife crisis think there must be good reason for feeling all of these things, and they pay attention to the feelings without evaluating the bigger picture. Midlife crisis usually drives us into focusing on questioning our exterior life. In the bigger picture it can be an invitation to look intentionally at ourselves and reflect on what we want for the second half of our lives.
If you think you might be going through a midlife crisis:
- Don’t make any major changes.
- Have the courage to talk honestly and gently with your partner about what you’re experiencing.
- Remember that the intensity of your feelings will pass.
- Consider speaking with a counselor or therapist who understands midlife crisis and can help you understand what a midlife crisis is and means, sort out what is really driving the urges you’re feeling, and walk through it with you.
Laura Lindekugel M.S., M.S. is a partner in Rekindle Counseling.
Learning Empathy
A common complaint among couples who come for help is that their partner is not very empathetic. “Why can’t he see when I’m upset?” “I’m completely overwhelmed by managing our bills, and she doesn’t care.” Sometimes it seems like we are wearing our emotions on our sleeves, but those emotions aren’t obvious to our partners. We feel like we are screaming, “help me!” and the response we get is as if nothing was wrong.
Read More»Enjoying the Empty Nest Years
If you’ve just sent your last child off to college this fall, you and your partner might be wondering what’s ahead for your marriage. Enjoying the empty nest years is not only possible, but also crucial since the years ahead may be the biggest chunk of your marriage!