Negative Sentiment Over-ride

Are you constantly mad at your partner?

Are you expecting to be disappointed even before a problem arises?

Do you keep comparing your partner to someone else?

Do you find it difficult to remember why you are even together?

If you’ve answered “yes” to two or more of the above questions, you might be stuck in negative sentiment over-ride.  It is  a problem because:

• Your attention will be drawn to the annoying things about your partner, leading to a distorted view of both your partner and the relationship

• You’ll start making assumptions about your partner’s behaviors and won’t think to check them out until it’s too late and a blow-out is already under way

• You’ll begin to interpret your partner’s actions as part of a string of actions that tell a one-sided story – that you are on your own in this relationship

What is Negative Sentiment Over-ride?

Coined by researchers John and Julie Gottman, Negative Sentiment Over-ride means that you have a mindset that is negative toward your partner.  This can develop when you:

• Ignore small annoyances instead of discussing them

• Rely on ways that don’t work – contempt, stonewalling, defensiveness, and criticism – when you try to discuss issues that bother you

• Don’t have ways to manage your emotions, leading to frequent “blow outs” over silly or seemingly unimportant issues

 How do you shift the tide?

If you are stuck in Negative Sentiment Over-ride it’s time to think about your relationship more realistically. It is also important to find ways to soften the anger and resentment in your relationship and create more humor and joy. Here are some steps that will help:

Evaluate your own behavior

While you probably have some real concerns, it is important to focus on communicating them gently and kindly. You’ll be surprised to see a ripple effect over time.

Consider what else has been going on lately

Have there been additional stressors in your life? Financial insecurity, illness, and becoming a new parent can all try your patience and make you more irritable.

Identify the positive

In all likelihood, there are moments of positivity in your relationship. If you can try to do more of what works, you should start to see a shift in your overall perception of the relationship.

Utilize daily relaxation exercises

This step cannot be emphasized enough. Whether it’s deep breathing for 2-3 minutes or listening to recordings via sites like www.healthjourneys.com or www.buddhify.com, find ways to soothe your nerves, calm your body, and collect your thoughts.

Practice self-compassion

Treat yourself kindly. Visit sites like www.self-compassion.org and find ways to take a bird’s eye view of your life and adjust the expectations you have for yourself and for others.

If you live in Minnesota and would like to explore counseling, contact us.