Stepfamilies: Dispelling some common myths

Did you know that 50% of new marriages include at least one partner who has been married before?

And that 65% of remarriages include children from a prior marriage or relationship?

Are you part of such a couple (stepcouple), wondering why the wonderful family and married life you eagerly anticipated is not materializing? Most early stepfamilies do not resemble The Brady Bunch!

It may be helpful for you to know that the development of stepcouple and stepfamily relationships is very different from that of first time marriages. Many of these differences stem from the presence of (step)children. If these differences, and the unique challenges they pose, are not understood and addressed, it could spell trouble for the couple.

The first step is to manage the couple’s expectations by dispelling a few common myths about remarriage and stepfamilies. Patricia Papernow, in “Becoming a Stepfamily,” identifies the following common myths:

Myth: My new spouse will be a better partner and parent .

Reality: This may not be the case, especially where parenting is concerned.

Myth: Because I adore my new spouse, my children will, too.

Reality: The stepparent/stepchild relationship takes time to develop, and may be very difficult in the early stages. Children often fantasize that their parents will reunite, and often don’t accept the new relationship. This can cause significant stress for the couple, especially the stepparent.

Myth: Our family will instantly join together.

Reality: It takes, on average, seven years for stepfamilies to figure out how to be a family together. Patience is a must!

Myth: I will fall in love with my spouse’s children.

Reality: Because stepparents don’t usually have the history with the child(ren), it will likely take time for the stepparent to come to love the stepchildren. In some cases, it may never happen. Try to relax and go with the ups and downs.

Myth: Stepchildren will accept discipline from stepparents.

Reality: Stepchildren do not have an emotional bond with the stepparent (initially), and are unlikely to accept discipline from him/her. In the early years, it is best for the parents to be the primary disciplinarians within stepfamilies.

Myth: The parent and stepparent will co-parent easily.

Reality: The stepcouple is likely to disagree on parenting practices. In addition to the parenting beliefs and practices that each person already holds, the parent will have a different relationship with and perspective on the child than the stepparent will.

Having realistic expectations about stepfamily life can help the stepcouple weather the ups and downs of the formation of the new family. Stay tuned for more posts on the issues unique to Stepcouples!

Michaels, M. L. (2007). Remarital issues in couple therapy. In J. L. Wetchler’s (ed.) Handbook of clinical issues in marital therapy (1^st ed.). New York, NY: Routledge

Papernow, P. L., (1993). Becoming a stepfamily. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, Inc.