Turn Towards Instead of Tuning Out
Do you ever tune out your partner or just give him or her half of your attention?
We’re all guilty of not really tuning in sometimes when someone is talking to us. We may not even realize what we are doing.
But it turns out that these small interactions are powerful…
In fact whether we tune in or tune out can show whether a relationship is heading toward success or failure according to research conducted at The Gottman Institute.
What does this look like?
Your partner points out an interesting car on the road, asks if you liked a movie, makes a joke, or asks you to hand him the laptop. These are all called “Bids for Connection,”according to John Gottman. They are attempts get your attention. A Bid for Connection can be spoken or silent—any gesture, question, conversation, or action that invites someone to pay attention to you in some way.
Gottman says there are three ways of responding when someone makes a Bid for Connection: We can “Turn Towards,” “Turn Away,” or “Turn Against.” You might Turn Towards your partner by saying “Yeah, nice car.” You may Turn Away by ignoring their comment and not responding. Finally, you could Turn Against your partner by saying “Right, you always pay more attention to cars than to me.”
When you Turn Towards your partner by responding, it builds both connection and trust. But how damaging do you think it could be if you don’t respond positively?
In a study of newly married couples, those still married six years later Turned Towards each other 86% of the time, while those who had divorced only Turned Towards each other 33% of the time. All of those missed connections lead to disengagement and conflict and, over time, to decreased trust and intimacy.
The good news is that it can be simple to “TurnTowards.” You don’t have to gush. All responses that Turn Towards your partner increase trust and connection. You simply have to respond with kindness and awareness. So “Yeah, nice car” and “Sure” are just as effective as a more excited response. And as you begin to see the small moments in life as your partner’s way of creating connection with you, you’ll likely feel more connected, too.