Got an Autocorrect Problem?
Has your relationship got an autocorrect problem?
A few days ago I engaged in a conversation that I frequently have with couples. They were discussing a recent argument, and one of them said with frustration: “I told her I was sorry, but she can never accept that.” The partner in question replied, “You were just trying to end the argument.”
Years ago I would have gone on a fact-finding mission with this couple. I would have tried to figure out who was right: was he just trying to get out of it, or was she resistant to making up? Nowadays I see something else going on—and it reminds me of the autocorrect on my phone.
Ever tried to send a text message and had it go wrong?
Often couples don’t realize that their communication is somehow getting “autocorrected” before it even reaches their partner. They are intending to send one message, but their partner is receiving another message altogether. So the reassuring “I’m sorry” looks like it’s fake, or the wish for reassurance looks like someone will never be satisfied. That is really discouraging for couples, especially when they actually do mean well.
It was particularly sad for this couple. He really did want to say he was sorry and have it accepted. She really did want to work it out and put it in the past. But they were both missing some signals that would help them work it out together.
Fortunately couples can get better at noticing when something has gone wrong, and quickly correcting the problem. We do this all the time in texting—it’s useful in real life as well!
With a little help this couple was able to unpack when autocorrecting was getting in the way. It turns out that she was misreading his face (he was anxious) and thinking he was angry. When she misread him, he thought she was mad and got more anxious. Then his apology looked even less sincere. With a little support they got back on track, and learned something about each other along the way.
The next time you find yourself in a fight about something, stop and consider whether the message came through as intended. What is your partner hearing or thinking? Can you correct the autocorrect and help him or her out?
Jennifer Stoos is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Rekindle Counseling in Edina, MN. She works with couples to help them understand each other better, feel closer, and have more fun together. Learn more about her work with couples, or contact her directly via email or by phone at 952-806-0015.