A Simple Fix to Help With Connection

If you and your partner are complaining that you lack connection, you might be guilty of this:

After a day at work, you come in the door, shout out a “I’m home,” and the dog  bounds over to greet you, letting you know with a wildly wagging tail how happy he is to see you. Your voice goes to a sing song-y,  “Who’s a good boy”;  you’re happy to see the dog too. You see your wife or your husband but all you get is a glance, the phone gets all the attention.

You head to your home office where you can get some e-mails answered along with  checking out your Facebook feed.

There’s not much connection over dinner;  the TV is on,  phones are in front of you with a few dings from texts, and you both eat quickly-you’re standing up because you want to hurry to get to the gym; partner has to stop by mom’s place anyhow. Conversations are like those of roommates.

By bedtime, you like watching late night TV and your partner heads off to bed with a tablet. And so, another day has gone by, another where you remember that lonely feeling and wonder, where’s our connection? You remember thinking that when the kids went off to college, you two would have so much time together!

If this scenario looks familiar to you-and some version of it is all too frequently described in our therapy sessions, it’s time to take stock of a bad habit!  It’s not hard to shift out of this pattern-but you have to be willing to try something different, and it’s a simple fix.

A favorite ritual to suggest to couples is greeting each other with a HUG! That means that whatever else is going on, you stop; yes, the e-mail can go to draft, the phone is put down, you’re there for each other.  What a difference it can make coming in the door and greeting your partner with a super long hug-can you hold it for 60-maybe 90 seconds? Notice when you’re in that hug, how much your partner’s body begins to relax.  Notice how you begin to relax. You might even be giggling at holding it so long, that’s ok too, you’re relaxing your nervous system, shifting into couple mode, and even contributing to a release of oxytocin, the wonderful bonding hormone!

Imagine coming home and looking forward to that hug. Imagine the effect it can have on  your mood; feeling more appreciated, cherished and of course, connected.

Try that for one week and see if it can become your new habit!

Holly Birkeland is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Rekindle Counseling in Edina, MN.  She works with couples to help them rekindle security and joy in their relationship.  Learn more about her work with couples, or contact her directly via email or by phone at 952-806-0016.