Honestly Evaluating Yourself

Generally we find it easier to tell what someone else is doing wrong–and we find it harder to notice what we might be doing that isn’t helping.

Let me give you an example: A few months ago I pulled into a parking slot and the person next to me had her car door open. She wasn’t paying attention and the wind caught the car door and it began to swing toward my car. My windows were open, so I called out, “the door!” She reached out and caught it giving me a dirty look. As she closed it she snapped “the door didn’t hit your @#??!?@?! car you b****!” Still visibly angry she turned and began swearing at me through the closed window (fortunately her finger gestures helped me to interpret what she was saying) as she angrily drove off.

Poor me, right?

With this woman it would be easy to focus on her behavior. I could tell this story at a party and get most people shaking their heads and laughing ruefully. But what if I looked at what I did?

Well, as it turns out I’ll bet I did two things wrong. First I’ll bet I sounded annoyed and abrupt when I asked her to grab her door. That tone of voice probably drove the first nail into the coffin of our relationship.

Second, when she caught the door I think I rolled my eyes and looked exasperated. Poor thing, here she is saving my car and my look suggests that she has just done something mean. It wouldn’t have hurt me to have given her a “thank you” and a smile.

So I wasn’t perfect. Does that mean she right to cuss me out and roll out of the parking lot with her middle finger a-blazing? Her reaction probably was a bit out of proportion. But I could have changed that interaction as well by doing something as small as being decent to someone whose door got caught in the wind.

Now let’s bring it home–how many times do we notice when our partner has done something wrong but let ourselves off the hook for our part in the interaction? Change begins in small ways–in my case working on smiling when a stranger saves my car door. What could you do to begin to change your relationship?