Intimacy, guilt, shame, and fighting

Brene Brown has another talk out on Ted.com that is worth 20 minutes of your time. Her talk on shame (and her original talk on vulnerability) highlight how important it is to be able to deal with the sides of ourselves that we are often afraid to show.  Brown discusses the differences (based on her research) in how women and men process shame, and makes a case for shame ruling us if we don’t bring it out of the shadows.

Every couple needs a way to handle shame and vulnerability since we all experience both emotions. We need to be aware of the hurts, hidden fears, and needs our partner has.  We also need to be able to share our own needs and fears.

Couples who are scared of their partner’s vulnerabilities tend to fight or pull away when their partner has strong emotions.  They do not know how to handle the differences that arise–or the feelings their partner has that they do not understand. Couples also tend to fight (or drift from each other) when one person decides the other person is uncaring and unresponsive to emotional needs.

When couples are able to deal gently with each other’s vulnerability (and each other’s shame) relationships grow stronger.  Take a few minutes to watch her talk and consider how it might apply to you and your relationship.