Talking about Affairs: Healing the Hurt

You had an affair and your partner found out.  While you understand the hurt and anger, you also fear it will never end.  The rages surprise both of you, and leave you exhausted and disconnected.

You’ve said you’re sorry so many times you wonder if it is meaningful to say it again.  You’ve shared passwords to create as much transparency as possible, and agreed to be on a “short leash.”  You try to respond quickly to questions about where you are.   You feel like you’ve done all you can to recreate trust.

Sometimes it seems he/she will forgive you, but then the rage and tears come back. You feel bad for yourself, but also see your partner isn’t sleeping well, seeming happy, or acting the same way she or he acted before the affair. You are confused about how much to share about the affair.

You are facing a problem that many couples experience after an affair: your partner may be experiencing what happened as a trauma—with all the symptoms you’d associated with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). These can include mood swings, intrusive memories, lack of sense of safety, sleep disturbance, and eating changes.  You may be facing the exhaustion and hopelessness of feeling you can’t make amends.  Will your relationship ever feel connected again?  Is it possible to rebuild trust?

Support is essential for both of you. Getting stuck in intense fights won’t help you heal. You need to do something different.  Relationship recovery will require patience, time, and a willingness to atone, attune, and attach again.  Couples do make it through this stage, and can go on to create a stronger, more connected marriage.  Don’t give up hope.  And don’t assume that what you are doing isn’t helping.  You may be doing many useful things, but change takes time. Give yourself a little compassion, and have hope.

You may find reading resources helpful, or feel free to contact us for a consultation around healing from an affair.

Learn about Holly Birkeland.