Talking about Sex: Differences in Desire

Sex is a challenge for many couples.  Do these situations sound familiar to you?

• Your partner wants sex more often than you do, and you feel guilty about it, or
  • You feel unloved/unattractive/undesirable because your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you
• You don’t touch your partner much anymore because touch is interpreted as attempt to have sex, and the rejection is killing you, or
  • You move away from your partner when you get touched because your partner just wants sex

Differences in desire are common.  Here are a couple of things to think about:

• Disagreements about sex change a couple’s perception about the quality of their marriage. According to Barry McCarthy, author of Rekindling Desire, “sexuality adds 15-20% to marital vitality and satisfaction,” but conflicts about sex in the marriage drain satisfaction from 50-75%! In other words, differences in desire that result in no sex (or resentment) can sure pack a wallop on a marriage!
• Conflicts about desire affect one in three couples. Guilt, blame, and pressure make it much worse.
• Are you comparing yourselves with others whom you believe have a “normal sex life”? What’s “normal” for one couple isn’t going to be the same for you…you need to identify with your own unique couple sex style.
• Maybe your sex life is good enough, but the two of you just need some conversation to make it more of what you need.
• Maybe you need to practice more foreplay, which for satisfied couples looks like the positive things you do for each other 24/7-including touching, appreciating, and being curious and listening to each other!

Is it time to talk about sex? You can find resources on sexuality to begin your conversation, or feel free to contact us for a consultation about your relationship.