Tuning In
Many times couples will share stories that tell me they are doing an excellent job of tuning in to their children. What do I mean by “tuning in?” These parents are reading their kids’ words, faces, and body language as a way to understand their children’s feelings. Parents, for example, might look at their 9-year-old daughter and watch for signs that signal whether she’s had a good day or a bad day.
When parents take time to do this, they have “tuned in” to their child. And for many parents it comes naturally to offer an emotional response—anything from laughing with our children to comforting them with hugs, understanding, or problem-solving. In parent language, we generally think of “tuning in” as part of nurturing. Most of us know that this kind of love is included in the parenting job description.
Unfortunately, we may have trouble offering that same kind of “tuning in” to our partners. Adults also can need our shared laughter, gentleness, or emotional support; it is human nature to want to be noticed and appreciated. But when we are time starved, it is easy to avoid seeing or “tuning in” to our partner’s needs. We may avoid addressing an upset, believing or hoping that since our partner is an adult he or she can (or should) pull him or herself together. We might even resent our partner asking for attention, and feel that our partner’s needs are just another demand on our time. Unfortunately the fallout is that we begin to lose trust. When we aren’t there for our partner our partner can experience resentment and withdrawal.
Is your relationship stuck in a “pull yourself together” mentality? It might be time to challenge yourself to accept and respond to the emotions of your partner, even if it means dealing with difficult emotions like anger or sadness. To be effective as partners, all of us have to realize that the people we love are just like everyone else–they have feelings and needs and moods. We need to be willing to provide appropriate understanding and support. We need to be willing to “tune in.”
If you need some help learning to notice, accept, and respond to your partner’s emotions I’d be happy to consult with you about learning to do this more effectively. Tuning in has many benefits—including feeling closer and more connected to your partner.