Recovering from an Affair
- At January 12, 2011
- By Jennifer Stoos
- In Affairs
- 0
If you have ever experienced a relationship where someone has broken your trust you know the emotions that overtake you. Most people describe not feeling like themselves at all, instead swinging from self-doubt to anger at the other person to depression. Many people experience a change in their behaviors, finding themselves doing and thinking things that they never did or thought before.
While the research on affairs is still in its infancy, more and more practitioners and researchers are noting the similarities between behavior after a breach of trust and behavior after a trauma. As with a trauma, trigger events that remind a partner of a breach of trust (a memory, a name, a secretive behavior, a date on the calendar) can be followed by a flood of emotion that results in over-the-top fighting. Couples become exhausted, and concerned that this pattern will never change.
This makes couple counseling after an affair one of the most challenging types of counseling. Couples need help to rebuild trust, change problems that existed before the affair, and also to withstand the emotional roller coaster that often comes despite their best intentions. This type of rebuilding takes time and a high level of support for both partners.
Can relationships rebuild after a breach of trust? Yes they can. Relationships can actually become stronger and more purposeful as they rebuild. But both partners need a high level of commitment to make this work–and a willingness to be honest (even when it hurts) as they go forward. They also need to be ready to spend a challenging and difficult year rebuilding. Interested in learning more? Here are some books on relationships, including some recommended books on affairs.
Little Things that Keep a Marriage Strong
What are happily married people doing that keeps them connected?
It turns out that strong marriages are built on little things that partners do every day. One of those daily things is staying in close touch with your partner’s inner world. Happily married people generally know what worries their partner has, and also know what their partner is looking forward to doing on any given day.
Many people do this well when they are dating, but over time will start to assume they know exactly what their partner is thinking and feeling. Often people in my office will say, “I know exactly what is on his/her mind.” Not surprisingly they often find that what they thought they knew was wrong.
Have you moved into the “management” phase of marriage, where most of your conversations revolve around the plumber, the kids, and the mortgage? If so you’ve probably lost track of your partner’s world. Try taking time in the evening before bed or in the morning over breakfast to find out more about what is on your partner’s mind. Research shows that your marriage will be stronger if you take the time to learn three things about your partner’s day every day.
Honestly Evaluating Yourself
- At October 07, 2010
- By Jennifer Stoos
- In Fighting
- 0
Generally we find it easier to tell what someone else is doing wrong–and we find it harder to notice what we might be doing that isn’t helping.
Let me give you an example: A few months ago I pulled into a parking slot and the person next to me had her car door open. She wasn’t paying attention and the wind caught the car door and it began to swing toward my car. My windows were open, so I called out, “the door!” She reached out and caught it giving me a dirty look. As she closed it she snapped “the door didn’t hit your @#??!?@?! car you b****!” Still visibly angry she turned and began swearing at me through the closed window (fortunately her finger gestures helped me to interpret what she was saying) as she angrily drove off.
Poor me, right?
With this woman it would be easy to focus on her behavior. I could tell this story at a party and get most people shaking their heads and laughing ruefully. But what if I looked at what I did?
Well, as it turns out I’ll bet I did two things wrong. First I’ll bet I sounded annoyed and abrupt when I asked her to grab her door. That tone of voice probably drove the first nail into the coffin of our relationship.
Second, when she caught the door I think I rolled my eyes and looked exasperated. Poor thing, here she is saving my car and my look suggests that she has just done something mean. It wouldn’t have hurt me to have given her a “thank you” and a smile.
So I wasn’t perfect. Does that mean she right to cuss me out and roll out of the parking lot with her middle finger a-blazing? Her reaction probably was a bit out of proportion. But I could have changed that interaction as well by doing something as small as being decent to someone whose door got caught in the wind.
Now let’s bring it home–how many times do we notice when our partner has done something wrong but let ourselves off the hook for our part in the interaction? Change begins in small ways–in my case working on smiling when a stranger saves my car door. What could you do to begin to change your relationship?
Who is Right?
- At March 03, 2010
- By Jennifer Stoos
- In Fighting
- 0
Jerry Seinfeld’s new show “Marriage Ref” is off and running with 14.5 million viewers according to the Washington Post. No surprise there–most of us want someone to referee our fights at least occasionally (and want someone tell our partner just exactly how wrong he or she is).
Here’s the problem–couple research suggests that most couple fights aren’t really about who is right and who is wrong. Annoying, eh? One of the running battles of my early years of marriage involved visitors. The question was this: When visitors are coming in ten minutes, what is more important, cleaning the bathroom or mowing the lawn?
Most people have an opinion on this subject, but let’s face it, there is no book that definitively weighs the pros and cons of a clean bathroom vs. a mowed lawn. Why? Because battles like this, (and battles about cleaning the dishes, going out with friends, how to arrange the wedding…. you get the picture) are about preference and about feeling that the other person takes your preference seriously.
It’s not rocket science but here’s the bottom line: When we treat our partner as if they have a legitimate right to their preference (and we respect our own preference as well) life is happier. In my case sometimes I even mow the lawn and he cleans the bathroom.
Interested in learning more? Read the article at Brent Atkinson’s website (http://www.thecouplesclinic.com/resources/articles) on core differences.
Got Three Minutes for Your Relationship?
Want to change your relationship in just three minutes a day? Here’s how: Every day tell your partner one thing that he or she did that mattered to you, and say how it made you feel. For example, you might say, “Thanks for doing the dishes before I got home. It sure is nice to come home to a clean kitchen.”
Why does this work? Appreciation gives up feedback about what we are doing right and how it affects others. Most of the time we give more correction than appreciation–our feedback is often neutral or negative. Appreciation gives a clear picture that we notice our partner and we like what he or she is doing. Appreciation also increases the chance that he or she will do it again!