Who’s Got a Better Memory?
- At January 26, 2011
- By Jennifer Stoos
- In Brain Science, Fighting
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Have you ever had a small argument turn into a big fight when you and your partner remember an event differently? You are telling a story, and you notice your partner’s eyes are rolling in exasperation:
“That’s not how it happened!”
“Yes it is!”
And suddenly you find yourself arguing about what happened in the first place and who remembers it more accurately.
You are not alone if you’ve had a conversation like this. Lots of couples find it irritating and exasperating when their partner seems to deliberately remember something inaccurately. We might feel like our partner doesn’t care enough to remember, or even worse, is trying to change the facts to suit their own agenda.
Now your partner may in fact be trying to pull the wool over your eyes, but it is more likely that both of you are facing the same issue: our memories are extremely inaccurate
Read More»How to Make “I’m Sorry” Work Better
- At January 12, 2011
- By Jennifer Stoos
- In Fighting
- 0
Making up well
People in strong relationships know the value of saying, “I’m Sorry.” They also know the importance of letting their partner off the hook when their partner tries to make up with them. Listen to renowned couple researcher John Gottman as he describes what makes couple “repair” attempts work.
Honestly Evaluating Yourself
- At October 07, 2010
- By Jennifer Stoos
- In Fighting
- 0
Generally we find it easier to tell what someone else is doing wrong–and we find it harder to notice what we might be doing that isn’t helping.
Let me give you an example: A few months ago I pulled into a parking slot and the person next to me had her car door open. She wasn’t paying attention and the wind caught the car door and it began to swing toward my car. My windows were open, so I called out, “the door!” She reached out and caught it giving me a dirty look. As she closed it she snapped “the door didn’t hit your @#??!?@?! car you b****!” Still visibly angry she turned and began swearing at me through the closed window (fortunately her finger gestures helped me to interpret what she was saying) as she angrily drove off.
Poor me, right?
With this woman it would be easy to focus on her behavior. I could tell this story at a party and get most people shaking their heads and laughing ruefully. But what if I looked at what I did?
Well, as it turns out I’ll bet I did two things wrong. First I’ll bet I sounded annoyed and abrupt when I asked her to grab her door. That tone of voice probably drove the first nail into the coffin of our relationship.
Second, when she caught the door I think I rolled my eyes and looked exasperated. Poor thing, here she is saving my car and my look suggests that she has just done something mean. It wouldn’t have hurt me to have given her a “thank you” and a smile.
So I wasn’t perfect. Does that mean she right to cuss me out and roll out of the parking lot with her middle finger a-blazing? Her reaction probably was a bit out of proportion. But I could have changed that interaction as well by doing something as small as being decent to someone whose door got caught in the wind.
Now let’s bring it home–how many times do we notice when our partner has done something wrong but let ourselves off the hook for our part in the interaction? Change begins in small ways–in my case working on smiling when a stranger saves my car door. What could you do to begin to change your relationship?
Who is Right?
- At March 03, 2010
- By Jennifer Stoos
- In Fighting
- 0
Jerry Seinfeld’s new show “Marriage Ref” is off and running with 14.5 million viewers according to the Washington Post. No surprise there–most of us want someone to referee our fights at least occasionally (and want someone tell our partner just exactly how wrong he or she is).
Here’s the problem–couple research suggests that most couple fights aren’t really about who is right and who is wrong. Annoying, eh? One of the running battles of my early years of marriage involved visitors. The question was this: When visitors are coming in ten minutes, what is more important, cleaning the bathroom or mowing the lawn?
Most people have an opinion on this subject, but let’s face it, there is no book that definitively weighs the pros and cons of a clean bathroom vs. a mowed lawn. Why? Because battles like this, (and battles about cleaning the dishes, going out with friends, how to arrange the wedding…. you get the picture) are about preference and about feeling that the other person takes your preference seriously.
It’s not rocket science but here’s the bottom line: When we treat our partner as if they have a legitimate right to their preference (and we respect our own preference as well) life is happier. In my case sometimes I even mow the lawn and he cleans the bathroom.
Interested in learning more? Read the article at Brent Atkinson’s website (http://www.thecouplesclinic.com/resources/articles) on core differences.